How People-Pleasing Causes Anxiety (& 3 Ways to Manage It).
If you’ve ever found yourself saying yes when every fiber of your being wanted to say no, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained habit for many of us, often born out of a desire to avoid conflict, earn approval, or maintain harmony. When we prioritize others’ needs above our own, we send a message to ourselves that our feelings, boundaries, and desires are less important. While it may feel like the right thing to do in the moment, people-pleasing often comes with a hidden cost: a persistent sense of anxiety.
The anxiety that grips you stems from a cycle of self-neglect and emotional strain. Here’s how:
Constant overextension. People-pleasers tend to prioritize others’ needs above their own, often saying “yes” to requests out of fear of disappointing others. This can lead to overcommitment, exhaustion, and the anxiety of juggling too many responsibilities.
Fear of Rejection: At the root of people-pleasing is often a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear drives a need for external validation, making individuals hyper-focused on others’ opinions. The worry about whether they’re meeting expectations can create persistent anxiety.
Suppression of Authenticity: To please others, people may hide their true feelings, opinions, or preferences. This can cause inner conflict and a sense of disconnection from their authentic self, leading to more stress and anxiousness.
Unclear Boundaries: A lack of healthy boundaries often results in feeling resentful, undervalued, or taken advantage of.
Hypervigilance: People-pleasers often monitor others’ reactions and adjust their behavior to avoid conflict. This keeps the nervous system in a heightened state of alert, a key contributor to anxiety.
Unrealistic Standards: Trying to keep everyone happy is an impossible goal. The constant striving to meet this unattainable standard creates feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
But here’s the good news: You can shift out of the people-pleasing cycle. By learning to tune into your own needs and practicing self-assertion, you can reduce the anxiety that arises from trying to be everything for everyone. Let’s explore three tangible ways to start this journey:
Practice Saying “No” (Without Apologizing)
For many people-pleasers, the word “no” feels impossible to say without a long-winded justification or apology. But “no” is a complete sentence. Start small by declining low-stakes requests, and resist the urge to explain yourself. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t help because I’m really busy with work,” try simply, “I can’t help this time.” The more you practice, the more empowered you’ll feel to prioritize your time and energy.
Use Body Scans to Check In with Yourself
People-pleasers often lose touch with their own feelings, making it harder to recognize when they’ve crossed their boundaries. A body scan is a mindfulness practice that helps you reconnect with yourself. Set aside a few minutes each day to sit quietly and tune into physical sensations. Are your shoulders tense? Is your stomach in knots? These physical cues can offer valuable insight into what’s causing your anxiety and whether you need to set a boundary.
Reframe “Selfishness” as Self-Respect
One of the biggest barriers to breaking free from people-pleasing is the fear of being seen as selfish. But prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect. Try shifting your perspective: Instead of thinking, “If I say no, I’ll let them down,” remind yourself, “By saying no, I’m honoring my own limits so I can show up authentically.”
Letting go of people-pleasing is a process, and it’s okay to take small, incremental steps. Each time you say no, set a boundary, or honor your feelings, you’re retraining your mind to prioritize your well-being. And as you do, you’ll find that the anxiety tied to people-pleasing starts to dissipate, leaving space for a more grounded, authentic, and peaceful version of yourself.
You deserve that freedom. And it all begins with the decision to choose yourself.