Dating + Chronic Illness
How do you really feel about dating? Most people I know don’t love it. They do it, but they don’t enjoy all the little things that go into it. Dating means time, effort, and a lot of lukewarm conversations and awkward hugs/handshakes/“they tried to go in for the kiss but I really wasn’t feelin’ it.” Raise your hand if you’ve been there.
Unfortunately, when you’re dealing with a chronic illness, these downsides of dating become magnified tenfold.
Time: Ha, more like “what time?” When you have a chronic illness, so much of your time is spent at maintenance appointments that it feels crazy to even imagine having time for anything else. Between school, work, and doctor’s offices, you’re really only left with minimal time for yourself, & usually all you want to do with that spare time is to catch up on some Zs.
Effort: Oy. Getting out of bed today was a feat, wasn’t it? I’m sure getting ready, going to work, & driving back in traffic took every ounce of effort you had left. Mustering up the energy to get ready (again) for the date & socialize with a complete stranger? It’s exhausting just thinking about it, so -- thank you, next.
If you need me, I’ll be here..
And then there’s all the other stuff like confidence, trust, guilt, anxiety, and intimacy.
Confidence: One of the key traits that people look for in a partner is confidence. On good days, when you’re feeling healthy and energized, you feel confident. You feel good about yourself & what you’re doing. Those days, though, are few and far between because having a chronic illness means that most days of your life are spent tired & in some sort of pain. Not to mention, sometimes the illness shows on the surface. You can’t feel your usual confident self when you’re bloated, breaking out into rashes, or losing your hair. Feeling good in your own skin seems next to impossible when you feel awful, when your life is pretty much dictated by your illness, and when you see other people your age doing everything you want to do but just can’t. Not having confidence in yourself makes it really hard to see what you’re worth & open yourself up to the relationship you deserve.
Trust: A diagnosis of a chronic illness is so unbelievably personal. You’re fighting every second of every day; most people don’t know that & almost no one can see that because “you don’t really look sick” (by the way, that’s the worst thing you can say to someone with a chronic illness, so just don’t!). It’s common that a diagnosis comes with a lack of trust in your body - how & why did it betray me? Sometimes, you start to question whether you can trust the choices you make because “well, something had to have caused this.” Not only that, but it also becomes hard to trust others with this intimate knowledge. You may not trust that they understand or that they care. You might see your illness as a failure, you might see it as a weakness or a wound. Whichever way you view your disease, opening up about it to someone new is a humongous challenge because (1) you’re probably going to cry, & who wants to open up that can o’ worms on a first date? And (2) we’re all afraid of being judged.
There are SO many others factors that go into dating with a chronic illness, some of which I briefly mentioned earlier. If you or a loved one are interested in more information on the obstacles that people with chronic illness face when it comes to dating, you are not alone. There are lots of resources available for individuals suffering from chronic illness - you can start by searching on Psychology Today or MeetUp.
Women’s Support Group
Dating with a Chronic Illness
Beginning 03/29/19
Wednesdays, 6:00 - 7:30 pm
Sherman Oaks, CA
Facilitated by Maya Nehru, MA, AMFT
All in all, dating sucks & dating while chronically ill is even worse. That’s why I’m starting a Dating + Chronic Illness Support Group for women struggling in this very arena!
Email me today for more information & to grab yourself a spot in this amazing group!